Ruminations on Costco

Do you Costco? I do.

It started when the kids were babies, a once-every-two-or-three-months tagalong with my mother-in-law to stock up on dirt cheap diapers and baby wipes.

And now? I’m a full-fledged Executive Member in my own right, making weekly (ok, sometimes bi-weekly) trips to the irresistible behemoth warehouse.

My mind tends to wander as I maneuver the towering aisles. An observation here, a question there. Here’s what was going through my head this morning.

• Why do they put the power bars and the candy in the same row?
• While they’re a steal at $54.99 for a 9 kg sack of grass seed and $33.99 for a 6 L jug of Weed-B-Gone, I really can’t use them when there’s still  two feet of snow on my lawn.
• That $99 crystal vanity light fixture could very well lead to a $5,000 powder room reno.
• I know what kind of underwear your husband wears.
• I know what undies you wear.
• I wear them too.
• Mental note: Don’t send hubby to pick up milk here anytime soon. He’ll come back with the kitchen sink. No, I don’t mean “everything but.” I literally mean he will come home with the Hand Crafted Rounded Design Stainless Steel Double Kitchen Sink. Best if he not see that.
• Get off your cellphone and get out of my way.
• Please.
• Why can I sometimes find Stacy’s Simply Naked Pita Chips and sometimes not? Shouldn’t that be a staple? I mean, there’s always jumbo jars of pickled asparagus on the shelves. Why not my chips?
• Does anyone even eat pickled asparagus?
• WARNING: Don’t ever go down that mystery row on the right-hand side. You never know what you’ll find down there that you didn’t know you needed but now must absolutely have.
• If you do find yourself inescapably drawn down it, be prepared to come home with a $169.99 Neon-Look LED “Open/Business Hours” sign.
• I am not open.
• I have no business hours.
• Mental note: Keep the receipt for the sign. Take advantage of Costco’s exceptional return policy. Don’t mention it to hubby. Best if he not see that.